People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I did not eat the cake…
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”