Lube but for my dry humor.
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.