Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.