Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
good work, detective
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.