Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.