I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
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Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Something Saturday.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!