My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal