[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.