I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.