“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
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Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”