My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.