“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
You Might Also Like
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.