Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
excuse me
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.