Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
#damn
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room