Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
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Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭