Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
When you’re Kinky but poor
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.