Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
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Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke