if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what