Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable