me: my friend died in her sleep 馃檨
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 馃ス
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I鈥檓 wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
dating apps aren鈥檛 working so it鈥檚 time to look confused in a local bookstore
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Bread puns are on the rise!
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Just so we鈥檙e all clear since there鈥檚 a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don鈥檛 like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don鈥檛 like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don鈥檛 like and don鈥檛 understand
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It鈥檚 a bird. It鈥檚 a plane.
It鈥檚 a joke that went over your head.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there鈥檚 a winter forest in the coat closet
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.