My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?