Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
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I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
wishing you and yours all the best
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
When a shoelace touches your ankle