<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*pronounces patio like ratio
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant