Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
This checks out
I hate my earbuds.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻