I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Last-minute gift idea!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.