Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means