Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!