I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.