me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Not today. 😅
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.