Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”