The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
You Might Also Like
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
fixed it
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.