Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.