I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Respect
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird