Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I have a new favorite meme page
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??