*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Brilliant!
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.