“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
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Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”