[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.