I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
TRAIN’S HERE
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”