mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.