This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?