Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*