Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.