not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
mechanics be like
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.