Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
💻🤡
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.