I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I didn’t come here to be called names
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Krampus.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi