Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.