Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
You Might Also Like
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡