I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons