So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
You Might Also Like
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Jesus Christ lmao
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.