Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.